Public Cancer

I am the product of public school.  I am now working in public school as a computer teacher.  My badge actually says 'proctor'.

proc·tor  (prktr) n. A supervisor especially of an examination or dormitory in a school.

Well, I feel certain, I am more than a proctor, but whatever.  I have always been a fan of public school and think the benefits are much more than academics.  The diversity and the learning of accepting others is a huge lessoned learned in public school.  However, because of cancer, my view of public school is changing.

I understand now that public school is much more than a classroom or a teacher.  Unfortunately, public school is too...in the words of Buddy the Elf, GINORMOUS!   What matters is the person that holds the child's hand, not the policy made.  Each level of the bureaocracy is distanced from the hand of a child.  The classroom teacher hugs and loves the child, the principal and adminstration of the school still love the child for sure, but they have less opportunity to hold the child.  The District is even more removed, they may visit the school, but they hold the child even less.  The State rarely holds the child at all.  The Federal Government-well, that is easy, there is not physical child hand holding.

The truth of the matter, you can not truly teach a child, unless you love and hold the child.  Policy may help or hurt the teachers academic effectiveness, but physically interatcting with the child, understanding the uniqueness of the child, is the only true effectiveness in shaping a child.

It is hard to walk away from such great benefits and I cannot complain financially, it is defintely making a difference in our situation.  So, I am trying to still work while completeing my chemotherapy and most of the students in my elementary school know that I have cancer. Just like public school, the insurance industry is too far removed from the patient.  I am fortunate to have a cancer policy, but the bureaocracy of the process is quite life sucking and depressing.  The company has no physical connection to me, there is no love shown.  Now, there are a rare few of customer service folks that do care and try to help, but the process is so confusing and contrived that their hands are tied much of the time.  It really is amazing to have cancer, but yet have to fight for not only your life, but what you have been promised by insurance companies.

Allstate may be the "Good Hands People", but the children in my elementary school are the ones showing me love and holding my hand and truly improving my cancer experience!

Woop! Woop!

I am 46 today-I think-I usually forget my age.  I was born Sept. 13, 1967...wow, I am 46.

To some, getting old, is difficult.  I used to pick myself apart in the mirror: hair not right, nose to big, wrinkles around eyes, age spots.  I still have all of those, except the hair, which I am getting used to not having.

Sadly, many of my internet breast cancer friends are no longer having birthdays.  One in particular altered my life.  She was an amazing person who, at times, was misunderstood in our breast cancer community.  She died loud, not quite.  She just said the obvious and many didn't like it. The last year, she definetly had on cancer goggles and shared her observations with everyone.  Some ddin't like it, but really, who gives a crap, she made a mark on me and that makes me smile.  Today, I remember all of my good friends that are having a party in the clouds and I understand that I am a lucky girl to be here, wrinkles and all!  Happy Birthday to Me!

Miley, Miley, Miley!

Seriously? Have you witnessed this 're-inventing'.  I am so tired of celebrity saying, "Don't judge me. You don't even know me!"  Miley said this exact same thing.  Miley, you are exactly right! We don't know you! I don't believe everyone is 'judging' -I believe God gave us a brain and we are expected to use it to judge when we are confused.  Well, my judgement and heart tell me this is not good for you or young America.

I have to admit, I have always wanted to be famous.  I have desired to be on Ellen, Oprah-hell, any show.  I have contacted them both on many occasions in an effort to be noticed.  But thank the Lord above that I was ignored.  I would like to believe that I would not lose myself, but honestly, I think I  would, because surely I would be a hit:).  I would desire more and more fame, more and more money, more and more exposure...I would want more tweets than the superbowl!  Basically, I would probably sell me soul to 'celebrity'...and I would be judged, and rightfully so.

Isn't our judgement responsible for our desire to stop human injustice? Warning, I tend to think in extremes.  Why do we want to stop starvation, save a child from abuse, save the lives of people in Syria?  Isn't it because we use our judgement to say those things are wrong?  These examples are beyond understanding so we try to use our discernment to make a judgement.

dis·cern·ment  (d-sûrnmnt, -zûrn-)n.1. The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment. 2. Keenness of insight and judgment. Miley, your behavior is confusing to those that have watched you for years.  Because of this confusion we have to discern what we are witnessing.  It is natural and I am sure you have done the same while watching Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, Whiney Houston.  Come on girl, you said it yourself-we have watched this play out a over and over.  My three teenage daughter even can see the 'selling out'.  So don't be offended, some of us just want to stop this sick cycle, because obviously, most cannot do it for themselves.

I am overwhelmed with life.  As Ray says, I feel like I am drinking from a fire hose.  I cannot process it all.  Sometimes in the day I can process it, but that usually means I have forgetten I am going through cancer treatment.   I won't say I have cancer anymore-who knows if I do, but in this day and age, you don't mess with 'what ifs'-you give it all you got.  This is some nasty stuff, which calls for nasty right back.  Chemo is just that.  I hate it.

So, I am overwhelmed with how to do everything physically, and handle my life emotionally.  Hell, before this crap I was struggling to handle my life.  But!!  If I look around and really see people, everyone has crap in their life-some you see, but most you don't see.  I am an adult and I have gotten to be 45 years old-yipppeeee!!  My mother lived to be 40. I am overwhelmed-yes, but I am 45 and living each day to the freakin' fullest! I am good!

Beer goggles.  The term used when all things, people, look better with the help of many, many beers.  Put your beer goggles on and your view becomes skewed and your mouth loses it's filter.  I am coining the term "cancer goggles" today!  Same thing-your view is skewed and you have the urge to be snarky.  In any given situation, I am bi-polar: part of me sees it as I always have, then suddenly I flip/flop and see a whole different viewpoint.  Thankfully, not everyone wears cancer goggles-but I do, and unfortunately, when I wake up in the morning after a late night out, I am still wearing mine.